Campbell Bain

[Campbell is excited. This is not new, though, so it is barely worth mentioning.]

Have you seen these bunnies? D'you know they burst intae flame if y' run at them? Only they still act like rabbits so you can chase around fireballs! It's pure dead magic. Literally too, I suppose. You no think it hurts them, does it? They wouldnae keep doin' it then. They go right back t' normal when they're calmed down, anyway. Be a dangerous pet, though, would it no? Useful, maybe. Somethin' scary happens and you can roast marshmallows. You'd want t' invest in a fire extinguisher first, a course.

[A pause, and Campbell looks like he's pondering.]

I think Eddie's gone, actually, he wasnae at home when I went t' check on him or when I tried callin' him. I went t' that place wi' all the pictures only I didnae find him cos I ended up finding a bunch of portraits of people off telly and I went off looking at them and I don't actually want t' go back and search again. But I'm fairly certain he's gone. The people from shows being in that hall: does that mean they used to live here? Cos that's cool, it just makes this place even better! Anyway, Eddie's probably better at home, he didnae like this place anyway. I no would have minded him being here t' start the station with but maybe he'll come back.

I've moved, anyway, or I'm moving. I havenae got much stuff t' move so I may as well have moved. I'm gonna be living wi' Curt Wild, who's got a cool name cos he's a rock star! Perfect, really, me being a DJ and him being a musician, we're both about the same thing from different angles, and different ends of it. It'll be better, sharing rent, I reckon, I can spend less time at work and more time building up the radio station. Has anyone got a job going, by the way, I don't think the bookshop is going t' work out. I havenae been fired, exactly, but I don't think the place meshes very well wi' my selling style. They're no ready for it, really.

[Video off. Campbell's going out to run at droves of bunnies with his arms out. Notice him, maybe, join him, tell him that he should maybe stop before he catches on fire?]
 

[Campbell turns the device on, looking very pleased with himself, and waves. He looks kind of super nineties, only he's got on a black jacket to prove he's a proper DJ instead of the acid wash jean.]

Hello, Network! I think I've worked it out, now, and I'm really here, and I've no gone loony in new and exciting ways. I don't think it would've been all that bad, only I'd like t' keep my job with Radio Scotland, so that's good, especially if I'm no leavin' them all hanging and naebody'll even realise I'm gone.

There isnae a radio station here, is there? I've looked everywhere and you don't even have radios, though I suppose there could be shows on the Network that I havenae noticed, so, is there? If there is, I've got months of experience, bein' a DJ, an' I can come in and do a pilot any time y'want cos I could use a job and I don't really want t' start up as a barman again. It's well enough doin' it for the dosh until I move up in the business but it's no a career.

There's no someone who needs a flatmate, also, cos I cannae afford a place alone and I don't really want t' live in a hostel, and those seem t' be my choices. I don't think it's fair, takin' a man away fi' home and no gi'in' him the local currency t' start out with. I cannae find an exchange, or anybody mentioning one, so it looks like yeh havenae got them, which really isnae fair. If you're gonna kidnap someone, at least do him the courtesy of starting him out. And I don't mean by shovin' him into a hostel. But it is what it is, aye? So if anyone'll go halfers, and wait for me t' make a bit o' dosh first afore I can really pay for anythin', that'd be brilliant.

I think that's it. Oh, and I'm Campbell, by the way.

[He presses one wrong button, and then gets it right the next time and the video ends.]